33 Months...The Wait

Here we are at 33 months... Four years ago when I started the adoption process (and this blog), I thought the wait would be 18-24 months (at the longest). Then some time in 2008 I realized it would likely be more like 36 months... and finally this past year, I realized that - at the rate things have been moving in China - it would be (at least) another five years if I didn't adjust my paradigm and consider some additional roads to finding Lia... In the meantime, many people have commented on my positive attitude throughout the wait and what a great inspiration I am...yadda, yadda...but believe me, I'm not...at least not all the time.


Really.

It's true that since July I've accomplished a lot. I made some decisions. We moved into a house (where we want to stay for awhile), got a new homestudy done, re-submitted the required immigration paperwork, submitted the medical checklist for the special needs program, got re-fingerprinted, enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the holidays...and now 10 days into the new year...here I am...back to waiting. Waiting on my 1800-A approval...but more importantly waiting on a referral.

I've experienced enough in my life to know this about myself - when I have something to do, or something to work toward (as in paperwork - or a "plan" of some sort) I have a much easier time than when I'm sitting around waiting - such as waiting on government officials, or waiting for the "right" child to become available and referred. There is absolutely no controlling those parts of the adoption process - and that is definitely the hardest part of my day-to-day life right now. One thing is certain. Soon my life will change in an instant with one phone call. I could get that call tomorrow (unlikely) - or I might not get a call until next year... But how do you reconcile this with yourself day after day? You can never allow yourself to get either A) too excited - or B) too depressed - about the situation. It's like being in an ongoing limbo day after day, week after week, month after month...

So I guess it's not surprising that I can't help but feel a bit melancholy, and helpless, (and to be honest - sorry for myself)...on occasion. It is known as an emotional "rollercoaster" for a reason I suppose. The ride of a lifetime. And while I know in the end that my Lia will be worth every second of every minute I have been waiting for her...it makes it no less difficult in the meantime. Many days I am able to focus on the positive, with an easy peace and gratitude about what my life currently is - and what it is about to become - and some days I just muddle through - working, eating, sleeping... Then there are some days...well, some days where I come undone completely...finding myself wiping away tears in the toy aisle at Target, or walking past Gymboree on my way to a movie at the local mall.

I get asked several times a week, "when do you think you will get a match?" - and I paste a smile on my face and project a happy tone "hopefully this year!" But inside my mind is reeling...will it be this year? or next? Will I travel to China in winter, spring, summer, or fall? Will my daughter be an infant, or a toddler, or a preschooler? Will she need a crib or a bed in her room? What kind of special need might she have? And what kind of medical specialist might she need? Will I be 40 - or 41 when I become a parent? How old will I be when she graduates high school? (I guess that depends on how old I am - and how old she is - when we find each other) - Do you see how this kind of thinking could drive you INSANE after awhile?

Bottom line. I have to trust that things will work out WHEN they are supposed to work out, AS they are supposed to work out. Though I realize this is easier said than done on many days, I have to continue to meditate upon it, pray about it, and BELIEVE IT.

...or else I will fall apart.